For quite some time I’ve felt the absence of love. Whether it was lost, or never found. The emptiness of wanting something obtainable but never having it. When COVID hit I was terrified. A series of different episodes. For the most part calm and collected, but as my new normal settled in I began to wonder if turning forty would be the start of something great, or end of something I missed. I still don’t know, but I’m optimistic.
I’ve spent my life in search of love. Settling for love that never made sense. Accepting less than what I deserved. Now in the middle of a pandemic, that may or may not be ending, I’ve found lots of lovers. However, I’m not willing to take any action. Is love lost?
This unsettling virus brought amazing things into my life. One of which is a new friend who happens to share the same ex. Who the fuck would have thought? Life does have a sense of humor, and it’s hilarious. It also brought an overflow of creativity and inspiration into my life. What it didn’t bring was love. That one love I so dearly wished for. A love that isn’t a compromise or a regret. Just someone to laugh with for as long as we have. The handful of terrific men I have been fortunate enough to know for years, or meet via datings apps, have proven there are good men out there––or lot’s of desperate men during Corona season. Either way, the men I’ve come into contact with during this crisis all have redeeming qualities, and still something is missing.
The more I work from home alone and I connect with myself and listen to what I need, I comeback to needing fulfillment in my career and wanting a child. Neither of which completely involve a partner, but it’s better if you do. I’ve pondered the idea of freezing my eggs, or investing in a sperm donor–– among many other thoughts Corona has brought about, but who know’s what’s next? If I have learned anything from my time in club quarantine, it’s that no matter how much you plan ahead, life throws you a curve ball when you least expect it. And sometimes it throws the entire nation one, too. There are no guarantees or right answers. You have to live for yourself no mater how others perceive your choices, and go after what you want right now.
As I step back from quarantine reality and allow myself to find peace again; in the unveiling of Los Angeles loosening the Safer at Home orders, nothing feels the same. I don’t love the same. I don’t want the same. My new normal isn’t the same.
My NOW normal is a new woman who has it all including love. I am reminded I am exactly where I am meant to be at this time in my life. This is love. Loving myself. Taking advantage of my time and not overcommitting to all of the things I don’t want but gave time to pre-COVID. It’s putting a value on love that can be measured by eternal happiness. When I look back at my choices throughout COVID and before it, I wouldn’t change anything. I loved the journey. And because of that I know love is not lost. I’m excited about where I’m going next, which just so happens to be starting my next chapter, a new company I founded. Finding happiness in the middle of a pandemic is a true love plot twist! Welcome the birth of my new baby and love, Gamma.
For the person out there like myself who is wondering if love is a lost cause, remind yourself it’s never lost if you fall in love with your life again everyday.