It Took Me 30 Years + BDSM To Have An Orgasm With A Partner

Disclosure: Made For Mature Audiences Only

It Took Me 30 Years + BDSM To Have An Orgasm With A Partner

It took me 30 years and BDSM to have an orgasm with a partner, and not just myself.

My fascination with sex and porn started around five years old when I broke into the “not for children” cabinet of my uncles collection of Playboys in the late 80’s. Mind you, this was in Poland where I spent the first five years of my life. I felt so naughty but yet exhilarated looking through the paper magazines of women with full bushes posing in front of red fire hydrants.

My family and I moved to Chicago shortly thereafter and I found a new porn obsession. My step-grandfather watched two types of entertainment: Nat Geo … and video (gasp) porn. You better believe I would sneak into his collection. While I didn’t really know what was happening, I knew it was good because it felt bad, even at seven years old. Why is pleasure, even at such a young age, something we are ashamed of?

And so I began my adolescence as every seemingly normal child would. I loved Mickey Mouse so much that I would take my life size Mickey doll, put his foot between my legs, and rub it until something really magical happened…every night. Mickey and I have always had a very “special” connection if you know what I mean. On my 30 something birthday, I went to Disneyland and had my photo taken with Mickey. It speaks for itself. We share a dirty secret (not referring to the actor wearing the costume) and thus, have an unbreakable bond for life. 

Fast forward to when I was 18 and lost my virginity. It was so underwhelming. Whose wasn’t? I spent the next 12 years of my life having one way sex — the men (and one woman) never complained. Almost always wanting more, and I felt more frustrated than ever. Was I a lesbian? Was there something wrong with me? I tried to change my modes of communication but nothing seemed to work until …I began my MFA in a Directing Program and had a chance to do a documentary on someone and/or something compelling.

My fascination with sex and porn had at this point gotten stale (seriously how much porn can one woman actually watch) so I turned to the classic films like Roman Polanski’s Venus in Furs, Pier Pasolini’s Salo, and I even read 120 Days of Sodom by Marquis de Sade (btw don’t read it, I’ve got the cliff notes). This was taking “porn” to another level and I eventually found my way into the BDSM culture.

I did my research on dominatrixes in Los Angeles. I found the top one, sent her an email and waited. Like very nervously. She agreed to meet with me at her dungeon (I was already SO excited…a dungeon?!). I read in her profile she loves red roses so I came to her dungeon at 4PM, as she requested (or demanded), bouquet of roses in hand, and was greeted by her slave. Not the type you’re thinking of who opened the door, showed me in and told me the “Mistress” would be with me shortly. I took in the red velvet curtains, the black paint on the floor and walls, the glass case with lights illuminating a combination of Louboutin stilettos, leather whips and silver gag balls.

It Took Me 30 Years + BDSM To Have An Orgasm With A Partner

I instantly felt at home because as a film director my brain operates visually. From the moment I walked in, met the slave, dressed in all black with a mask and dog collar. To when I received a tour of the dungeon to see the St. Alexander cross, the swing for electro play, the cages meant for submission, the mirrors and feminine costumes meant for sissy play, to the bed with posts ready to fulfill any and all desires, and the ropes meant for the art of Shibari. I realized that in order for me to be able to be comfortable with receiving an orgasm from another person, I needed to play a character. Just like the characters in all of my scripts.

I dived deep into the BDSM world after that. Figuring out whether I was a domme, a sub, a switch or everything and anything in between. With the partner who I was currently with, I was 100% a domme. I wanted to dominate and you better believe getting a strap on and pegging my partner was what I did. He and I loved it. I hope it’s common knowledge by now that a man’s anus is the equivalent to a woman’s clitoris. The pleasure points are all there. If for a couple of minutes or so you could have a penis attached to you and have sex with a man while he is in full submission, wouldn’t that make you at least want to try it? If not for you, maybe for him? It was the most empowering sexual move I had ever had tried, and no, I had not orgasmed yet. But you better believe that the first time we had penetrative sex post pegging, I orgasmed for the first time…at 30 years old.

Everyone has their own path, their own communication style, and I realized that mine was being the domme. Which meant that if you could show me your submission, this in turn allowed me to trust you and therefore allowed me to let my guard down. That’s all that an orgasm is at the end of the day: letting your power go. Trusting another person. And WOW. Cue explosions and fireworks.

I didn’t end up making a film about the domme, we are still great friends, but I did make an experimental film about an artist who imagines a mythical female bird-like character who comes to life with the help of a hawk. It had metal, leather, submission and domination sprinkled throughout. It was pretentious but yet still authentic enough to be nominated for the Student Academy Award in the Experimental Category. It’s called “Awaken” you can watch it here.

The point is, you don’t have to go to a dungeon. Please don’t watch 50 Shades of Grey, but do some research on what BDSM is, because for me, it’s about absolute trust with your partner. It’s an opportunity to discover your inner desires that may be hindered by blah, society. When both people end up cumming in the end. I waited 30 years. You don’t need to.

Love, love

Queen B

Want to learn more?

Watch:

Venus In Furs by Roman Polanski

Salo by Pier Pasolini (based on Marquis De Sade’s novel 120 Days of Sodom). BTW, Marquis De Sade is the father of sadism. 

And BDSM stands for… well here’s a peek into what it means, or at least the cliff notes version.

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